stoned dumbledore and the singing chicken
by the-boy-who-loved
Summary: see title, also features a sex call. rated m just in case, the authors notes are probably most offensive.implied HG, and definit ADMM ewwwwwwwwwwww


This is just something I tried out when there was nothing better to do, and its my first humour, so you better read and review, or else!

Disclaimer: I am not J.K Rowling, never have been, never will be, so drop all pretences. Last four words were for my own benefit, because I am _not_ J.K Rowling

Albus Dumbledore sat down in his study, and sighed, it had been a long day, but he had the perfect remedy, he pulled from deep within his robes, a twelve inch spliff, drew his wand, inserted the end of his spliff into his mouth, and tapped the end of it with his wand, and took a deep pull.

He felt soothed instantly, and he sighed again, this time, however, he sighed in content.

Less than five minutes later, there was no sight of the spliff, and Albus Dumbledore was at his desk, with his head in his arms, and a muffled giggle was issuing from him.

There was a knock at the door, and Dumbledore raised his head, there was a massive grin on his face, and his eyelids were droopy.

He sat like that for a moment, wondering if he hadn't just imagined the knock, thinking, silly old me, I'm imagining things in my old age, dear, oh, dear.

The knock sounded again, and he called out, "cooooooooooooooooooome iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!"

The door opened, and in stepped professor McGonagall stepped in.

"Oh, Minerva, dear, I forgot I invited you to my little… 'Spliff-fest'"

McGonagall sighed, "You already smoked it all, didn't you?"

"My dear Minerva! I smoked one and only one"

"How many did you make?"

"why, I rolled no less than twenty yesterday morning, smoked six throughout the course of the day, and I had one before that daily prophet interview, earlier on, so I still have twelve", he brought out another spliff and offered it to McGonagall.

She took it, and realisation hit her, "wait, you had a spliff before a daily prophet interview?"

"why yes, it was a good spliff, at that, and the interview went quite well, as well, they wanted my expert opinion on price inflation on the plastic forks industry, as fish and chip shops are very high market this time of year, they look to make good business out of it, I must say"

She scowled at him, and imitated his wand use earlier to ignite her spliff, and she soon had it finished.

She staggered and fell onto a couch, and raised her head and, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! THAT WAS A GOOD SPLIFF ALBUS!"

He appeared next to the couch, with a massive bottle of Jack Daniel's, and an even bigger bottle of Bailey's.

"Care for a drink?"

Half an hour later, the alcohol was nowhere in sight, and the two professors were sitting on the couch, next to each other, completely relaxed.

"Minerva, might I say you look ravishing tonight, and that I am very pleased to have you in my company"

"Prove it", she giggled.

Dumbledore merely looked at her, and said, "Would you like me to?"

McGonagall looked back at him, and after a moment, said, "yes, I would." And with that, she moved on top if his lap, and straddled his legs, then he took a plunge, and kissed her fiercely.

He began to unbutton her top, and her hand went down south, until they gripped something that was… wait a minute, OH, NO! THAT'S OLD PEOPLE PORN! I CANT WRITE THAT, ITS DISGUSTING… so err… yeah… meanwhile… down in the Gryffindor common room, Harry and Ginny were sitting together on the couch.

They were talking about flimsy condoms, and that they should be banned, because not only do they decrease ultimate pleasure during S.E.X, but the bastards don't even stop that bitch that your shagging tonight from getting up the duff, when Neville turned up, holding a magazine down by his side.

"Hey Neville", said Harry, "what have you got there?" he asked, pointing at the magazine.

"oh, this", he said, holding up the magazine, which had a picture of a naked man on the front of it, he had huge muscle, and a big, cheesy grin. "Its just a gay mag I get"

Harry and Ginny both felt their jaws drop.

"You're gay?" asked Harry, dumbstruck.

"Yeah, didn't you know?" said Neville looking at him as if he had a huge dick growing out of the top of his head, and would very much like to impale himself upon it, or else taste it, or some other thing that gay people do when aroused.

(a/n and this is were I try to make it so that things get strange, because I don't use a plot, or notebook, and I just make things up as I go along, and a just had a brainwave to put a mad chicken in this story, so here you go!)

There was an unnatural silence between them, when there was a shout at the other end of the common room, an they turned in time to see somebody holding a wand, which exploded, and a chicken shot out of the end of it, singing, "AAAAAAAAAH, I HAVE BECOME COMFORTABLY NUMB!"

Everyone began to laugh.

"-BUT YOU MAY FEEL A LITTLE SICK, CAN YOU STAND UP AND WALK, I DO BELIEVE ITS WPRKING!"

Someone shouted a vanishing charm on it, and instead of a chicken impersonating Pink Floyd (a/n, possibly the best band that ever graced the earth) there was a moose singing, "WHY DOES MY HEART… FEEL SO BAD… WHY DOES MY SOUL… FEEL SO BAD"

More laughter, harder this time.

Somebody shouted another spell, and there was an enormous farting sound, a lot of smoke, and out of nowhere came a voice, "IF YOU WANT THE BEST PHONE SEX AVAILABLE, CALL 0171-JOHNNY'S BITCHES!"

This was met with confused silence, then a third year piped up, "well I'm in," he pulled a mobile phone and dialled the number, then a huge grin came across his face as he put the phone on loudspeaker, and the whole room could hear what was going on at the other end.

"-me so horny, I cant believe it , your just so sexy, I think I'm gonna set my wand to vibrate, and I'll just imagine that your huge, juicy cock is stuck up my pussy!"

Everyone laughed.

(YAY, I just checked my word count, and guess what? I've just made my first 1000+ words document, I am so proud, sniff wipe tear from eye, thank everyone for coming, and give a special thanks to my manager, and my brother, who was my inspiration, and my mother, for buying me this computer, couldn't have done this without you literally)

another a/n okay, I have just woken up, so this is also my first overnight fic, and I have been thinking of more content, so I think that the evening prophet is in order--- HA lol

A brown owl appeared next to them, carrying a copy of the evening prophet in its beak. Ginny took it, and when the owl didn't fly off, she said, "I'm not paying you"

The owl stayed there, "I mean it, go away!" the owl didn't do anything, "FUCK OFF!" nothing.

Ginny sighed, pulled out a long, thin knife, who's blade was engraved 'for when those persistent owls try to do to complete their delivery jobs.

She swung back the knife and stabbed the owl not once, not twice, not thrice, not fou-, oh fuck it, she stabbed the little bastard two hundred and twenty eight times. kinda sick eh, well, that's me for ya

She then opened the paper and let out a sharp gasp.

"What?" asked Harry.

She handed him the paper. On the front was a picture of Dumbledore with a huge grin on his face, at the top was the title; Albus Dumbledore: what's this man been smoking?

Harry read the article through, it was all about an interview from Dumbledore concerning plastic fork prices, which had led to the suspicion that Dumbledore was _very_ high, as most of the interview had little to do with plastic forks, and more of Dumbledore's past dealings. A few of Harry's favourites being, 'so Nicolas said that Perenal was still a virgin, and I was dumbstruck, so I said, over six hundred years old and she's still a virgin, what happened there? To which he replied, she's a tight bitch, some stupid cunt went and told her it hurts the first time!' or 'and so I said, listen bitch, your gonna lick my balls, or I will cut them off, beat you within an inch of your life with them, then stick them back on, and shove them down your throat so hard you will choke on them!'

(what the fuck was going on there? Maybe the psychologist was right, I am mental , and I know I just put in an emote, it's a smiley face, as you can probably tell, but try to imagine it as a face that is vomiting at the thought of me  and that one is smiling at the thought of me being shot  then he discovered that I survived  then I was shot again)

(Jesus Christ, I don't know what else to put in, I just don't have what it takes to make something that is funny… think…need inspiration…I know! My Nan has a willy, no wait, that isn't funny, its true! Damn it! Hey, I got the best line ever! And here it is)

THE END

Well, what do you think, I got a lot of inspiration from Alexei Noire, or something like that, I dunno, if you haven't read any of his stuff yet, go find it, it is fucking hilarious, and you must pardon the French, I have that fucking tourettes, or at least, that's what I tell my maths teacher every time I tell him to get a fucking haircut, and tell him to eat shit whenever he sets homework

Isn't he a bitch!

Anyways, tell me what you think about it, sorry for the abrupt ending, but I really couldn't A) Think of anything else to write. B) Be arsed typing out any more anyways.

So review, please, I am desperate, if you don't like it, tell me how shit I am, and don't forget to use the most offensive language you can think of, if you like it, tell me how good it was, and don't forget to use the most offensive language you can think of, if you really want to go the extra mile, be a pussy, and flame me anonymously, that will be cool, or if you really want to impress me, give me a private message, and really go all out, using language like "fuck, cunt, wanker, bollocks, twat, ETC"

Go on, do it, or if you want to be nice, we can have a little conversation about our lives, like today I got a webcam, yeah, do it do it do it.

Best regards to all you motherfuckers out there, and peace to my homies (namely, john the oompa-loompa, and griphook, everyones favourite munchkin- ITS GOBLIN YOU MORON, YOU DO THIS EVERY TIME!- alright, griphook, I know that you're an elf, so-rry, if I make a mistake, psh)

- The boy who loved

P.s, review, because I know where you live, well, I don't, but I can always use the phone directory, and with the combined powers of the yellow pages and google earth, I can rule the world, nobody's home is safe, ooh, look, there's a penny on the floor, this is my lucky day 

P.p.s, if anyone is looking for a night of hot, kinky sex, call me on my number, and I will tell you how to access this dating service I know, they got me a night with Japanese twins, good, huh?

Btw, I am only going on and on because I want a word count of two thousand.


End file.
